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I catch the scent of tobacco coming in from the balcony
It’s the scent of my first boyfriend, of a recent lover
of my past
I drown my hands in the suds
and scrub the dishes clean before me
Letting the emptiness fill me,
carry me like the air carries the bubbles
that escape from the water in their attempts for freedom
When the house is empty, and I feel far away from everyone and everything,
I think of what was lost and what is still to come
I search for that stillness that I’m told is within
I find films to watch, projects to do, books to read
to enlighten myself
to sharpen that dull mind of mine
to keep busy
To distance myself from the animal me
that craves for simpler things,
reacts to the raw information of feeling and emotions
Pain
Belonging
Desire
Fear
Those raw morphing elements that constitute our dispositions,
that distract and belabor
entrance and transfigure
bind and release
That point us somewhere, vaguely,
in the direction of home.